Flaming June's Love

Andy and I laugh all the time about situations that I have been in or gotten myself into and defining them as DIFFERENT. My situations compared to theirs are different because they are ME Example 1 Suzie has an ongoing affair with a man she worked with for about 7 months, I had no intentions of leaving my husband I just wanted to have a little fun and feel something. (The kiss of death really) When my husband after years of my being in and out of our marriage then decides to date someone else and I find out all hell breaks loose and I am ready to literally kill him. WHY you may ask is this so ironic well My cheating was deamed different or acceptable at the time. His infidelity... unforgiveable. Because it was with me how could he do this to me. Selfish self absorbed egomaniac. I realized and came to terms with my bad bad ti...

Andy has been painting the house all of his free time. To those of you that dont know us personally you may think he is a workaholic. and... YOU WOULD BE RIGHT>!!! He is a highly motivated and when he decides anything it is that way. That is a good and bad trait. PAinting, working around the house, making money GOOD THING> Bargaining with his wife and making compromises, sometimes NOT SO GOOD> Soo lets talk about the color of the formal living room and dining room. Yes the brownish, baigeish, pinkylike color Andy bought 6 gallons of to cover all the walls. I went over there last night to check opn him and he was already on his way home and I found the color a little uhhmmm should I say.... Not what I expected.... Im am not sure about it and yet I have a feeling it will be on the walls to stay without much discussion. Now realize I dont expect any changes in the color at this point realizing we have hundreds of dollars invested in it. I might say I am uhmm cautious about the...

I am taking allie back to school today and we have a few extra hours to spend together. We are going to the King of Prussia mall. I will attach a listing of the malls map and youwill see why I am so ready to go there.

ve' off her new album paper skin... i got teary as i listened to the lyrics... i think you'll be able to see why it was so moving for me... I Will Show You Love | by Kendall Payne I will show you love like you’ve never loved before; I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend; The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you; You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel; When you call my name then I will answer, answer I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith; You were on my mind when the world was made; Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child Walk out on the water where you have no control; So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load; You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight; Watche...

The girls walking together to the Dr's appointment todday. You cant really tell but they are holding hands. The boy and a dandilion a few days ago. Look at his blonde hair how that happened I dont know. Love them all.

As you can see my girl Allie is home for the weekend. She is home to check on her sister and brother. She was home in time to take Missi back to the urologist tonight and all is well. She was with me to pick up the boy from school this afternoon. And he just loves her to pieces. The first pic of Jack and I last night goofing around woth the camera. I look fat but it is me and he loves me this way so I am happy. The second is of Missi 's makeup from the Library spook house she has been working at for about a month. She couldnt go tonight for her kidney infection but I know she loves it. The nest pic is of Allie when we went to pick up Jack . She just makes me happy looking at her. Lat is Jack cracking up inn the car with his sisters singing to him. I am happy.

Can i say yes>>? I watched Greys anatomy tonight as usual. And there were moments of my time that flashed before my eyes as usual with incredible writing and directing. George standing with a grieving father debating whether to accept his dead daughters heart for his own transplant. George explaining to the father that although he is not a father he can speak as a child that if he could give his heart for his father, he would. If there was anything he could do to bring his Dad back he would do it. I so understood that. I dont like to sound overdramatic but of anyone in the world i would give my life for I wouldnt think twice about my three children. I would give my life for them in no thought or blink of an eye. Jack was evaluated today by the intermediate unit today. They had screening for speech and developmental problems at his daycare and they found reason to investigate a speech delay. OK, so now what. They will be coming to my home to watch himf or the day and see how ...

Hubby busy painting all day and I stop by with the baby to give him food and snapple and a big kiss. He is working really hard and as you can see he is so happy doing it. This is his dream to build this house. He is doing an amazing job and I love him with all my heart. As you can see he painted a heart with our initials in it behind the fridge. No one will know it is there except all of blogdom and anyone who moves the fridge. LOL The last is the baby asleep last night after Missi my hero found the camera shoved under the computer table. He has the croop so he can be a lil cranky to say the least. I am definately feeling better and out of my funk. I got my period this morning and think I might chart this month to see if this immense weight of depression could possibly be related to my menstrual cycle. Anyway all is well and I have my camera back and the baby is sleeping, Allie is in the city fopr the day with her BF Joey. I thought they would be over by now but they are hangi...

True it is gorgeous and virtually indestructable. We shall see.

My Dad would have been 68 yesterday. I know that I shouldn't be grieving so much for so long but I find myself simply mourning our loss over and over again. Events that he should have been with us at. Holidays, birthdays, anything, he should be here. So he is not and I have to let that go and adjust to the new way things are. Along with the new way things are in my life. My home, my children, my husband, my work, my health. Nothing is the way it was, or moreso the way I thought it would be, moreso the way I wanted it to be. I am through the latest bought with the blues, (I really shouldnt call it the blues it is worse than that but I will deal with that definition another time.) I need to make an appointment with my doctor to get back on some medication or something for my ups and down. I have more downs than ups. I dont feel bipolar. I think I have some depression. I wish I had some OCD so I could get my fuc*&^ing house cleaned up and packed. This is a very disjointed po...

I am feeling alot better than I was. I really dont know what triggers these episodes but they can be debilitating. I just wake up feeling like I have no reason to get out of bed. I see things alot clearer out of the fog, but it is truly believable in that state. Heres the latest lowdown on everyone. Allie is fine at school. She is making friends and is doing well in her classes. Missi is doing fine at the Deemer. Roadblocks along the way that hust hit her as rediculous, ( me too) but if I say too much she has a point when she says she wants to leave there. Jack currently has the croup. Horrible sounding and even worse to watch him try to catch his breath. He is on steroids for three days to decrease the swelling and he is now sleeping. I hope we can all get a good nights sleep tonight. I am attaching pics ( I hope ) One is of Missi and her boyfriend Jared. One of Joe and Jack from the summer they fell asleep together in the grass so much like brothers. Last pic of Jack and his ...

Next week is my Dads birthday. October 17th. We always got him something nice for the day in the past few years. Until maybe the last two. He was so hard to buy for he had everything he needed and didnt want for much of anything... except food. My Dad loved to eat and have a good meal. Meal is stretching it. He loved Ice cream, any kind of good bread and pasta. I am so missing him the past few weeks. I heard a saying today "You know that place between dreaming and wake, that is where I will be." So I am going to sleep tonight with visions of my Dad greeting me in my semi awake state tomorrow morning. I am starting to feel a little better. i need to keep moving.

OK so the top pic is the back of the house. That is the color of the siding and I truly love it. The next I believer is Allies room, purply lavendar color. Covered beautifully. Next is the horid looking orange room of course is Missis, The paint just slid on the wall and is not blending well. I think my roller was too nappy and it definately needs another coat. i have images of distressing that room for the paint is permanently fuckered in there. The sideways pic is of the masterbath with the new tile. I love it and truly hope to write to you all while sitting in that tub someday and looking out the window. Any suggestions on the orange pumpkin mess in Missis room feel free to let me know.

OK here are the pics from ALlies camera from last weekend. Joe Allies best friend for many years was in his homecoming court this weekend. I am so very proud of him. His dad died about 7 years ago in a terrible frak accdient and he is turning out ok. I Love him as one of my own. I have visions of Allie and he getting married someday. But who knows what that really means. I just know I love him as if he were my own and that is good enough for me. The last pic is Jack this weekend with my Mom. I dont know what to say about her. This is a woman that raised four children and married to the same man for 47 years- happily. I cant pull my head out of my ass long enough to be grateful and she is still taking care of us. My brother is .. O)H fuck it I dont have the energy to talk about it. Just simple I think wake up. The pic of Joe and allie working at the new house sanding the first of seventy fucking million coats of primer. They are happy and I love them

I have no right to feel sad or sorry for myself. I have "everything". I am very very fortunate yet I have periods of overwhelming sadness. I dont know if I am clinically depressed or going through menopause or just dumb. I am fighting it really hard but at least three times a day want to just cry. Song on the radio, people in cars. I cant put my finger on what exactly it is. anyway, I have some really good people in my life that have dropped me notes and such with words of love and appreciation. I still cant find my camera and I am truly hurting from it. I am supposed to go to the SYTYCD show on Friday but I have come to the conclusion that I dont really want to go. It is a long ride in the car late at night and I know that ALlie has friends coming in for th weekend and she wants to be with them. I dont want to be anywhere.

I feel like my head is too heavy for my body. I want to lay down and never get up. I feel like a failure, an idiot and hopeless. I have totally fucked up a totally good life I was given and fucked it up in all aspects possible. I have images of driving too fast, I have images of making a "bad" decision. I just want to sleep, for a very long long time.

Ruby dropped me a note and said I have been quiet. I guess so. I have been good nothing bad, nothing terrible. I cannot find my digital camera. I am sure it is somewhere in the house if the boy grabbed it and then it is gone til he is 18 Im sure. My other thought is that it is gone for good. I remember having it out on the porch taking pics of the for sale sign. Yeah that long ago. i havent seen it since. Those of you that know me know that I love my camera. I have a hard time posting blogger without it. I last wrote when I was pining away for tickets to So You think you can dance. I wasnt really pining but disappointed. My girl Allie called last Thursday and let me know she got us tickets. With her own money. I was so honored she did that on her own> So Oct 12th she and I will be at Penn state to see All the dancers.. I am so psyched. I chose paints for the house. Yup every room. Talk about stressful.